census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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