sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
is wine microwaveable?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize