I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My life is pants optional.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
