i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
