I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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