hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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