dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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