Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
