he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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