Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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