i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
