i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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