The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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