my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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