A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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