im so drunk with asians
where?
always
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
