she woke up with a sticky ear
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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