I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
