Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
