Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
