you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
