I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
