this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
