ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
