Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
