booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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