see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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