I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
