apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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