I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
