My friends, they love my intelligence
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
