so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
People in love make me want to vomit
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
