I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
