I accidentally had phone sex last night
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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