allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Randomize
