just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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