im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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