remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well you can't waste a boner
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
