eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
