When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
