dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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