My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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