okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
