After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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