it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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