I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The uberlube is also flammable
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
