I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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