I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
