it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
