You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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