Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
