508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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