1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize