What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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