remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
