sarcasm needs its own font
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He called his prostate his "boner button".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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