WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
