we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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