So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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