That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
