Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
