you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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