They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
