Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
