you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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