I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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