I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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